You don’t need somebody to want you

I’m not sure if this is a girl thing, or an INFJ type thing, or just a human thing, but I’ve realized now more than ever that I have a very strong internal desire to be wanted.

Needing to feel wanted can be defined in different ways and hold many connotations. Some people feel a need to be physically wanted by someone else, or emotionally wanted, or just want to feel valid and accepted. Our brains tell us: If I am wanted, I am included, and I belong. 

But what happens in our minds when someone who once wanted us, no longer does? What happens to our levels of confidence and validation when suddenly, we aren’t wanted anymore?

From experience, there is a world of pain to be had in trying to prove your worth to someone who stopped wanting you. Wishing I could go back, delete those memories from my mind, and start again. It’s almost a desperate panic; please want me again.  I will do anything…

Reading that last part makes me cringe because of just how wrong it is. But our brains can react this way when we feel weak, when we dwell on these thoughts. Isn’t it absolutely insane to think that we would be so willing to completely change who we are to be what someone else wants, and even in doing that, they still can choose to not want us. A disgusting and pitiful cycle that will leave you absolutely barren. It will sit you on the couch in the evening with a racing mind and convince you that you don’t feel like going swimming, or spending time with your friends, or doing anything other than sitting there replaying memories in your head and creating scenarios of what could have been.

If sharing yourself and your life with anyone is difficult, or it hurts, then stop. It is not for you.

It will feel like you’ve deeply buried your roots in them, and I promise you, you will feel the pain of every single root snapping as you rip them out

one

by

one.

But what I want to share with you is this: you can’t see it right now, but the remains of those roots will sink back into you and something new will grow. I can’t tell you what it will be, and you won’t even know yourself, but you will never be the same. Your soul will have even more depth and beauty because of this. 

Find Yourself – LET GO

It’s funny how things work reciprocally. They say if you love someone, let them free. If they truly love you, they’ll return. They also say distance makes the heart grow fonder.

In your early twenties as a college student, you are bombarded with deadlines. Assignments, presentations, and exams consistently fill the To-Do list, but once the last assignment of your Junior year is handed in, the reality sets in that you have one more year left.

Have you figured out where you want to work? Have you applied? Do you have an interview? Are you going to have enough experience? I’ve heard and thought of these questions for months. I started skimming Indeed for entry-level communication/PR jobs. I started thinking of some companies I could imagine myself working at. The scary thing was when I realized that most of the paths were are exposed to (marketing communication/working at an ad agency) still felt mundane to me. Yet again, I thought to myself, there is more I am capable of than dishing out campaigns like a factory. 

A few months ago, someone suggested that I watch House of Cards on Netflix, a political drama that had just released its fourth season. I dreaded the thought of starting a new show only to not understand the plot and become bored by the third episode. Only that isn’t what happened.

Through analysis (and a whole lot of binge watching) I discovered my dream job, and not only that but also the person I ultimately want to become. Now, some who have watched the series may cringe when I say this person is Claire Underwood since she is particularly ruthless in various episodes. Claire was previously the CEO of the fictitious Clean Water Initiative, a non-governmental agency fighting for human rights to clean water. She lives and works in Washington D.C., frequently liaising with Congress and other governmental entities to receive funding for her advocacy organization. From this moment, I knew that was the job I wanted. I started telling my family about how I never skip the opening sequence of House of Cards, which is about a minute long time-lapse tour of Washington D.C. set to an orchestra. I never skip it because I have fallen completely in love with the atmosphere and aesthetic of government, which is a very strange thing to say in our current time. When Claire became the United States UN ambassador on HoC, I knew I was on to something.

The point is, I just discovered some crazy relevant things about myself and who I want to be just by doing something I enjoy, in this case, watching a fictional political drama on Netflix. No, it isn’t a fad, because seeing a powerful woman in that type of job resonated with me. I want to be a power-wielding woman for good. Needless to say, I’ve truly discovered the missing piece of my puzzle by letting go.

P.S. Here’s the opening sequence – I couldn’t resist sharing it with you 

On Becoming

First and foremost, I must acknowledge the despicable attack on Brussels, Belgium. I can only hope, as always, that continued perseverance and courage in the face of terror will rob violence of its power.

I’ve been labeled as a contradiction by someone who knows my passions, dreams, and ideas more than most. My mentor believes that I am extremely strong willed and do not easily neglect my dreams. He knows that I am (and will only be) motivated by purposeful work. He has reiterated that he holds the utmost confidence in me to reach my fullest potential. So, how is all of this contradictory?

To me, it is clear. We don’t use these words to describe every person in our lives, and as much as I am humbled by them, I am burdened. No, not burdened by expectations of anyone else, but by my expectations for my own life.

I feel that my mentor’s description of me accurately portrays my own mission statement, to make a positive, lasting impression on more lives than my own. However, beneath all of this, is a 21-year-old girl.

I love Pinterest, fashion, music, watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, binge-watching Orange is the New Black, and updating my Snapchat story. I am eager to plan a wedding to my high school sweetheart and go on a dream honeymoon. I am also excited to make money and feel the freedom of making more of my own decisions, but in the back of my mind, plagued by the notion that I need to be doing more. 

This is where the contradiction comes into play; the constant tug-of-war between accomplishment and knowledge versus comfortability and short-term satisfactions. I would not label the 21-year-old self as the only enjoyable side, however, since I frequently hunger for and deeply enjoy intellectual stimulation. At a point, I consider pursuing additional education as a personal want against just diving into the workforce for remuneration.

Why am I writing this? I am in search of a balance. I tend to swing from one side to another between personal pursuits and duties, but I’m not looking to choose one side over another.

I hope that as time passes, I will find ways to mesh both sides of myself into one full being. Through this journey, I’ve learned that being a contradiction is what makes for an interesting life since we are flexible in attitude and opinion.

This doesn’t make us unreliable, it makes us open-minded, a virtue that I truly believe our society needs in order to achieve universal respect and maybe someday, peace.